note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
