my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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