You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
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our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
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Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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