she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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