Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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