Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Randomize
