I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
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Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
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So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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