i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
