When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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