did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
