Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
