We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
