I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
