worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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