we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
