Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
