nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
