wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
