someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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