My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
