I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
