Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
