I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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