My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
