That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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