he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
