guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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