Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
