Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
