god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
