i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
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it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
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I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan