I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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