I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
