he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
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The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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