He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
