I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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