I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
