If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
