You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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