my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Are my feet made of real feet?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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