I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
