So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
