did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
