i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
the raccoons are back...
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