Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
