toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
