He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
