I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
