Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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