saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
