dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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