jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
