So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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