she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Ladies don't puke and tell
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
